Tonight was the last dinner at the park for 2015; the powers that be in Pasadena try to minimize the presence of the homeless during the Rose Bowl/tourist season. Some of the things they do include setting off the sprinklers at 8pm, just enough to get the grass wet to keep people from sleeping in the park. I suppose I can't blame them - I'm sure they make some serious dough from the tourists.
We don't publicize at all so when new faces show up it's usually because they've heard through the grapevine although we do offer foods to any and all passers-by who show any interest in what we're doing. We had a couple of people like that tonight.
They showed up as a pair, one older guy who looked to be in his 40's and another male who could have been anywhere from 15-20 who the older one kept referring to as 'boy'. I have no idea if there was a blood relationship but there was a clear dominant-submissive dynamic going on. The older one was loud and belligerent while the younger one when spoken to, responded so softly I can barely hear him. The older man was carrying 24-pack sized box in a paper bag, appeared to be under the influence, and was using the MF expletive either as a noun, adjective or adverb in every sentence he spoke.
The balancing act started here. Normally, I would have been happy to see them leave, but it was pretty obvious the boy was pretty hungry. So I kept engaging the older guy and took some verbal abuse which gave the boy time to finish his plate and get seconds. I was about to get him thirds when the older guy finally got upset and left taking the boy with him. I just wish I could have given that kid as much food as he wanted.
Tuesday, December 15, 2015
Wednesday, November 11, 2015
#chadtough
Chad is Chad Carr, grandson of former UM football coach Lloyd Carr. He was diagnosed with Diffuse Intrinsic Pontine Glioma 15 months ago. With the best treatment available at UM hospitals, he's exceeded the 9-12 month diagnosis but today it was announced that Chad will be entering hospice care.
His plight has galvanized the UM community into creating a support system for Chad, which of course is a wonderful thing. But I ponder who it's really all for, and I suspect that the answer is slightly different for each and every person who've supported Chad in some active way.
There will be some who were/are genuinely moved by the plight of a young child who is within their sphere of influence, and glad that their active support made a tangible difference. But I fear that there is a not insignificant portion who have read of his plight and felt some sort of sympathy - but the real goal was to reassure themselves that they are capable of compassionate feelings and somehow good because of that. I'm not sure that I'm making sense. I guess the point is that I fear that we as a nation are losing the capacity for empathy, and this is a root cause for a lot of the problems we have nowadays.
His plight has galvanized the UM community into creating a support system for Chad, which of course is a wonderful thing. But I ponder who it's really all for, and I suspect that the answer is slightly different for each and every person who've supported Chad in some active way.
There will be some who were/are genuinely moved by the plight of a young child who is within their sphere of influence, and glad that their active support made a tangible difference. But I fear that there is a not insignificant portion who have read of his plight and felt some sort of sympathy - but the real goal was to reassure themselves that they are capable of compassionate feelings and somehow good because of that. I'm not sure that I'm making sense. I guess the point is that I fear that we as a nation are losing the capacity for empathy, and this is a root cause for a lot of the problems we have nowadays.
Wednesday, November 4, 2015
Robin Williams
This morning I read that Robin Williams had been diagnosed with Parkinson's. More significantly, he'd also been diagnosed with lewy body dementia whose symptoms are similar to Alzheimer's but also include depression.
This has turned my brain into a mental Union Station with various trains of thought that I'm trying - and failing - to articulate like Einstein's unified field theory. i think i'm just going to try and list the times of departure and follow up on all this later:
1) I've made my grieving process about everyone else and put off staring into the abyss of the reality that someone tried to end my existence;
2) Not dealing with the anger may be part of why I'm struggling with depression;
3) My life would make a great TV comedy/dramedy
4) Humor can be driven by anger - or by joy & wonder - but it's still about largely about our frailties.
5) I need to dedicate more personal time just for dwelling on stuff like this;
This has turned my brain into a mental Union Station with various trains of thought that I'm trying - and failing - to articulate like Einstein's unified field theory. i think i'm just going to try and list the times of departure and follow up on all this later:
1) I've made my grieving process about everyone else and put off staring into the abyss of the reality that someone tried to end my existence;
2) Not dealing with the anger may be part of why I'm struggling with depression;
3) My life would make a great TV comedy/dramedy
4) Humor can be driven by anger - or by joy & wonder - but it's still about largely about our frailties.
5) I need to dedicate more personal time just for dwelling on stuff like this;
Wednesday, October 21, 2015
Leaving Pasadena
The film Leaving Las Vegas is based on what was basically a suicide note written by a high school classmate of mine. I understand that he committed suicide the day that he sold the film rights to the book, but his original intent as depicted in the book was to drink himself to death in Las Vegas. LLV was the only work of his that he published before he died. Other works were published posthumously by his sister. More on this later.
Someone who used to come to dinner on Tuesdays night Left Pasadena last week. She and Jay (the subject of a couple blog posts a few years back) were a couple until Jay suddenly died of a heart attack.Uno took's Jay's death pretty hard. She'd always had a problem with alcohol, but it escalated after that. She came back for dinner a few times, but began to hang out around the restrooms down at the south end of the park pretty much all the time, drinking with anyone that would join her. The heavy drinking finally took its toll and Uno died recently. Another of the Tuesday regulars told me the news last night. Apparently by the end she was drinking a fifth of vodka every day and not eating at all.
I seem to be more affected by this passing than by the passing of my friend Mark almost exactly a year ago & I don't know what to make of it.
Someone who used to come to dinner on Tuesdays night Left Pasadena last week. She and Jay (the subject of a couple blog posts a few years back) were a couple until Jay suddenly died of a heart attack.Uno took's Jay's death pretty hard. She'd always had a problem with alcohol, but it escalated after that. She came back for dinner a few times, but began to hang out around the restrooms down at the south end of the park pretty much all the time, drinking with anyone that would join her. The heavy drinking finally took its toll and Uno died recently. Another of the Tuesday regulars told me the news last night. Apparently by the end she was drinking a fifth of vodka every day and not eating at all.
I seem to be more affected by this passing than by the passing of my friend Mark almost exactly a year ago & I don't know what to make of it.
Wednesday, July 29, 2015
The Happy Medium
I've talked about extremes, but not about the happy medium. Truth be told, I'm still figuring out what it is. All I can do is identify what it isn't. And one of the things it isn't is eliminating all pain/discomfort, which seems to have been one of my main goals. I mention it mainly because I don't think I'm the only person who operates this way although I suspect that most people don't realize it.
C.S. Lewis described pain as being 'the megaphone of God'. I may have misinterpreted a lot of what he meant by that, but I do understand that pain is a necessary component of life; it compels us to recognize and hopefully address things that causing harm/damage. The best way I currently have to help illustrate is to point out what really happens with people who contact Hansen's disease, otherwise known as leprosy. While it is a disease caused by infectious bacteria, much of the damage that a victim suffers is in fact self-inflicted because one of the symptoms is loss of sensation. The reality is that pain often prompts us to remove ourselves from unhealthy situations that would otherwise damage us.
So pain is supposed to be a regular and healthy part of life. Part of what's unhealthy is struggling through it alone, although American culture tends to glorify individualism; being healthy means having at least one other person on whom you can rely for support. But that also means being a supportive person for those peers and not just an emotional leech.
And of course, figuring out who are the right people are means putting yourself out there and risking rejection and/or other bad experiences while figuring out which folks are the right type to try and concentrate being around. And that's something I'm not doing enough of now.
C.S. Lewis described pain as being 'the megaphone of God'. I may have misinterpreted a lot of what he meant by that, but I do understand that pain is a necessary component of life; it compels us to recognize and hopefully address things that causing harm/damage. The best way I currently have to help illustrate is to point out what really happens with people who contact Hansen's disease, otherwise known as leprosy. While it is a disease caused by infectious bacteria, much of the damage that a victim suffers is in fact self-inflicted because one of the symptoms is loss of sensation. The reality is that pain often prompts us to remove ourselves from unhealthy situations that would otherwise damage us.
So pain is supposed to be a regular and healthy part of life. Part of what's unhealthy is struggling through it alone, although American culture tends to glorify individualism; being healthy means having at least one other person on whom you can rely for support. But that also means being a supportive person for those peers and not just an emotional leech.
And of course, figuring out who are the right people are means putting yourself out there and risking rejection and/or other bad experiences while figuring out which folks are the right type to try and concentrate being around. And that's something I'm not doing enough of now.
The Process
Today on Facebook someone commented: "Amazing you forgive her Barry. Very admirable. Don't think many people could do that."
I started what I thought could be a short reply explaining the process, and decided it would be better to post the response here and link the blog post.
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I started what I thought could be a short reply explaining the process, and decided it would be better to post the response here and link the blog post.
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Simply
put, there but for the grace of God go I.
It
wasn't recently I was able to articulate it more fully, It was started in the blog post titled 'the same coin', with it being about mental health and how we cope with emotionally painful events. The
way I see it, we have two extremes of coping that are equally
unhealthy. One extreme, complete denial, allows us to appear
to be functional, while the other extreme, remaining traumatized,
results in that event influencing thoughts and behavior pretty much on a 24/7 basis. I lean
towards the former. I take hits and keep plowing forward, this
typically results in depression until I come to grips with the impact
of whatever it was that happened. the point is that trauma affects me
just as much as it does anyone else, it just manifests itself in a
different way.
As I began to formulate my response, I recognize that there's more which I've already figured out but haven't touched on before in this blog, in that there is also a difference from person to person in their expectations and that can vary wildly. The higher the
expectations, the greater the disappointment. But sometimes
expectations can be unrealistic. Along the way, I found that when I recognize that I've been disappointed, it's often been helpful to examine what expectations got violated leading to the disappointment. Sometimes I've concluded that the expectations I had were not realistic and I've modified them. But this can be taken to extremes in two directions as well - refusing to acknowledge when expectations are unrealistic, or lowering those expectations so that one results it letting others violate boundaries that should not be violated.
The point is that I see that the person who attacked me is merely in a different quadrant of extremes and as such, I have no right to judge her, though I have judged others in the past. If anything, it's allowed to develop a sense of compassion when I can see that they are responding to some sort of pain in their lives.
The point is that I see that the person who attacked me is merely in a different quadrant of extremes and as such, I have no right to judge her, though I have judged others in the past. If anything, it's allowed to develop a sense of compassion when I can see that they are responding to some sort of pain in their lives.
The Verdict
After 3-4 days of deliberating, the jury rendered their verdict: guilty on all counts, but insane. Sentencing hearing next month on the 14th.
Also, going back to testifying last week, I was supposed to testify in the morning, but a juror failed to show, prompting the judge to go into recess until 1:30 in the afternoon. A few other members of the group were also forced to have to wait until after lunch to testify, so I suggested we have a long lunch and get caught up. One of the first things one person said was to acknowledge how scared he'd been to be at the park after what happened. I give him credit for being able to acknowledge this. But now I wonder if it would have been the right thing to share what I knew my attacker - for me, it gave me the impetus to depersonalize what happened and to see it as something that was completely random and also unlikely to occur again.
More on this later.
Also, going back to testifying last week, I was supposed to testify in the morning, but a juror failed to show, prompting the judge to go into recess until 1:30 in the afternoon. A few other members of the group were also forced to have to wait until after lunch to testify, so I suggested we have a long lunch and get caught up. One of the first things one person said was to acknowledge how scared he'd been to be at the park after what happened. I give him credit for being able to acknowledge this. But now I wonder if it would have been the right thing to share what I knew my attacker - for me, it gave me the impetus to depersonalize what happened and to see it as something that was completely random and also unlikely to occur again.
Sunday, July 26, 2015
The Difference Between "Competency" and "Sanity"
At this the time the jury has found my attacker competent, but is now determining whether she is legally insane.
The short version as I understand it: you can be declared legally competent and then be determined to be legally insane. However, if you are declared legally incompetent you can not be judged to be insane.
In other words, competency means that the person can understand the nature and consequences of the criminal proceedings against them. More specifically, a defendant must have:
- the sufficient ability to consult with their attorney with a reasonable degree of rational understanding;
- a rational and factual understanding of the proceeding against them;
Competency is determined by the judge, while insanity is determined by a jury and in these cases, the legal definition may overlap with a psychiatric term but they are not interchangeable. Moreover, the definition varies from state to state. with some states not recognizing an insanity defense at all.
The short version as I understand it: you can be declared legally competent and then be determined to be legally insane. However, if you are declared legally incompetent you can not be judged to be insane.
In other words, competency means that the person can understand the nature and consequences of the criminal proceedings against them. More specifically, a defendant must have:
- the sufficient ability to consult with their attorney with a reasonable degree of rational understanding;
- a rational and factual understanding of the proceeding against them;
Competency is determined by the judge, while insanity is determined by a jury and in these cases, the legal definition may overlap with a psychiatric term but they are not interchangeable. Moreover, the definition varies from state to state. with some states not recognizing an insanity defense at all.
Wednesday, July 15, 2015
Crosetti
One of my favorite TV series of all time is Homicide, the network predecessor of HBO's 'The Wire". There are a lot of great moments and scenes I find myself re-watching. One such moment is the final scene of episode 6 season 3, entitled "Crosetti". Crosetti was a character written out of the series and they decided to explain it by having the character commit suicide. Among the issues that result from classifying his death as a suicide is the fact that the police department refuses to provide any of the traditional ceremonial trappings for the funeral, in particular, refusing to provide an honor guard. This refusal infuriates a particular detective Pembleton (whose character pretty much acts as the moral center for the series), and he consequently announces that he won't be attending the funeral.
The service is held, and the procession from the church to the cemetery is on foot, and goes past the police station, where Pembleton is seen standing in full uniform acting as the honor guard the department has refused to provide. There are brief shots of the responses reflected on various detectives' faces as what they see registers. Pembleton is then shown from multiple perspectives saluting the hearse as it passes ending with a close up on Pembleton's face.
I'm still not sure exactly why this resonates with me so much. A large part of it is about doing the right thing - and in this case, the right thing is about showing respect for someone for their life and how they lived it, and not letting the last thing they did be the overriding factor in how someone is remembered after they're gone. But I know there's more, and if I figure it out, I'll say more about it.
I guess it seems relevant to think about being reminded this week about almost being killed.
The service is held, and the procession from the church to the cemetery is on foot, and goes past the police station, where Pembleton is seen standing in full uniform acting as the honor guard the department has refused to provide. There are brief shots of the responses reflected on various detectives' faces as what they see registers. Pembleton is then shown from multiple perspectives saluting the hearse as it passes ending with a close up on Pembleton's face.
I'm still not sure exactly why this resonates with me so much. A large part of it is about doing the right thing - and in this case, the right thing is about showing respect for someone for their life and how they lived it, and not letting the last thing they did be the overriding factor in how someone is remembered after they're gone. But I know there's more, and if I figure it out, I'll say more about it.
I guess it seems relevant to think about being reminded this week about almost being killed.
Sunday, July 12, 2015
Returning To The Scene Of The Crime
In this case, literally; I have an appointment with the DA handling my case tomorrow morning and from their office we're going to head out to the park so the DA can review the specifics of the incident. More on this tomorrow/
Wednesday, July 8, 2015
The Same Coin
A call from someone from the victim assistance office, in conjunction with a random book review set off a long train of thought this week. First, the call - part follow up, but mainly to let me know that my attacker is going to trial this week with jury selection, and to expect to be subpoenaed to testify. The person was reviewing my claims for expenses and noted that I hadn't filed any claims in regards to counseling, etc. and I shared how I felt I'd achieved closure and had moved forward. It actually wasn't a book review as much as part of a top 100 best novels and #94 was a book by Kazuo Ishiguro. Ishiguro is probably best known for 'Remains of the Day' and 'Never Let Me Go', but the thrust of the article was that Ishiguro's ethnic ancestry and his British upbringing came together in 'An Artist of the Floating World' as a tour de force in unreliable narration. In my own words, we all sanitize our personal history (and memory) to avoid facing unpleasant truths. At the other extreme, the unpleasant memories become the only truth some people's minds can retain, forcing them to come up with the same flawed conclusions. This is how I categorize the behavior of my attacker. But am I the flip side of the same coin? More on this.
One person whose counsel I trust has suggested that my coping mechanism includes compartmentalizing (it does). And one of the things I've compartmentalized is the inherent evil in what happened and I have yet to come to grips with that evil. I'm not sure about the truth of that, I'm not even sure what that means. My first thought is to find the abyss, wherever it may be, and stare into it. Upon reflection, I reject that idea, not for fear of having the abyss stare back into me, but because mainly because darkness is merely an absence of light.
But back to the other thought. There are two extremes in the way we can respond to trauma. We can compartmentalize it/ deny it. Or we can let the pain from that experience dominate our thoughts. It's that thought that's given me closure; we all have different coping mechanisms - but they all stem from the same source - dealing with some sort of trauma. And I've learned to respect the amount of strength and courage it takes to deal with bad memories in a healthy way.
One person whose counsel I trust has suggested that my coping mechanism includes compartmentalizing (it does). And one of the things I've compartmentalized is the inherent evil in what happened and I have yet to come to grips with that evil. I'm not sure about the truth of that, I'm not even sure what that means. My first thought is to find the abyss, wherever it may be, and stare into it. Upon reflection, I reject that idea, not for fear of having the abyss stare back into me, but because mainly because darkness is merely an absence of light.
But back to the other thought. There are two extremes in the way we can respond to trauma. We can compartmentalize it/ deny it. Or we can let the pain from that experience dominate our thoughts. It's that thought that's given me closure; we all have different coping mechanisms - but they all stem from the same source - dealing with some sort of trauma. And I've learned to respect the amount of strength and courage it takes to deal with bad memories in a healthy way.
Wednesday, June 17, 2015
#EUTM
is an acronym for a phrase coined by the new football coach at my alma mater (university of michigan), a guy named jim harbaugh. the phrase is Enthusiasm Unknown To Mankind, used to describe how we should attack that day's tasks and goals. PUIGA - procrastination until it goes away is more my speed. i'm going to segue away from this for a bit, but it does all tie together, though the web is still tenuous in my mind, as i type this.
during the press conference announcing his hire, JH said something that floats through my mind at various times throughout the day: "...you don't compare great to great, because something gets diminished...". we are diminished both by the act of comparison as well as by the result. and the more i dwell on this, the more truth i mine out of this nugget. a lot of the baggage we carry comes out of making comparisons. in fact, i suspect that this is a fundamental component of shame - which i'll define now as a sense of inferiority that comes from falling short in a comparison to an inappropriate standard - which is not the same as an impossible standard, as scripture says that all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of god.
maybe this is my version of einstein's unified field theory - i see glimpses of it all tying together but verbalizing it coherently escapes me at the moment.
we have been redeemed, and ideally, are continually in a process of being transformed more & more into the image of christ. but what does that really mean? it's somewhere in there that i suspect we all get hung up somehow. it seems to me that we glorify god in our uniqueness, but that distinction has been lost. for me, i carry the experience that my uniqueness and perspectives i've developed along the way (healthy or otherwise) separates me from most. my expectation is that i have to endure the consequences of my own provincialism yet be the one who has to make the sacrifices to accommodate the provincialism of others, and that's left me angry and jaded. and yet i still impose expectations of my own - based on my own interpretation of how things should be.
this also seems to tie into another major component of the unified field theory - what we learn to believe about god is related to knowing god for who he really is. in the story of jesus and the rich man, the first thing jesus does in that exchange is clarify something about god himself. and we struggle with the duality of god's goodness and god's holiness. in an ideal world, we as children get to see that personified in two loving but different parents - the mother who loves unconditionally and the father who loves but also disciplines to establish right and wrong. this hypothesis is supported by empirical evidence that people tend to view god the way they view the parent of the opposite sex. and this is clearly true in my own relationship with god.
more on this.
during the press conference announcing his hire, JH said something that floats through my mind at various times throughout the day: "...you don't compare great to great, because something gets diminished...". we are diminished both by the act of comparison as well as by the result. and the more i dwell on this, the more truth i mine out of this nugget. a lot of the baggage we carry comes out of making comparisons. in fact, i suspect that this is a fundamental component of shame - which i'll define now as a sense of inferiority that comes from falling short in a comparison to an inappropriate standard - which is not the same as an impossible standard, as scripture says that all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of god.
maybe this is my version of einstein's unified field theory - i see glimpses of it all tying together but verbalizing it coherently escapes me at the moment.
we have been redeemed, and ideally, are continually in a process of being transformed more & more into the image of christ. but what does that really mean? it's somewhere in there that i suspect we all get hung up somehow. it seems to me that we glorify god in our uniqueness, but that distinction has been lost. for me, i carry the experience that my uniqueness and perspectives i've developed along the way (healthy or otherwise) separates me from most. my expectation is that i have to endure the consequences of my own provincialism yet be the one who has to make the sacrifices to accommodate the provincialism of others, and that's left me angry and jaded. and yet i still impose expectations of my own - based on my own interpretation of how things should be.
this also seems to tie into another major component of the unified field theory - what we learn to believe about god is related to knowing god for who he really is. in the story of jesus and the rich man, the first thing jesus does in that exchange is clarify something about god himself. and we struggle with the duality of god's goodness and god's holiness. in an ideal world, we as children get to see that personified in two loving but different parents - the mother who loves unconditionally and the father who loves but also disciplines to establish right and wrong. this hypothesis is supported by empirical evidence that people tend to view god the way they view the parent of the opposite sex. and this is clearly true in my own relationship with god.
Monday, June 15, 2015
Expectations
I'm still thinking about last week. It's not fully synthesized in my mind.
Apparently all it took was an extra large slice of watermelon to prompt a desire to be helpful instead of looking to put one's own wants and needs first. That and, for want of a better way of putting it, not caring on my part as to whether that person merited my gift.
Don't get me wrong; I do believe it both prudent and healthy to establish guidelines and boundaries - there is a difference between helping and enabling, although I'm beginning to see that the line isn't as clear cut as I thought.
As far as I can tell, "M" responded to a level of kindness that I've withheld in the past when I've encountered people who've exhibited behavior that I'd categorize as chronic high maintenance. As I ponder it, it seems like my compassion is somewhat conditional, and this attitude carries over to how I've responded by feeling annoyed the last few weeks as I'd grown accustomed to having a lot of people waiting to help carry stuff from my car to the picnic tables to having to carry stuff myself and having only 1-2 people help while everyone else stood passively in line waiting for food.
Every act of kindness Jesus performed was prompted by compassion - a compassion I seem to be lacking when encountering people like "M". The reality is that I close myself off to a lot of people based on expectations I've developed over the years. I guess it's time to examine this.
Apparently all it took was an extra large slice of watermelon to prompt a desire to be helpful instead of looking to put one's own wants and needs first. That and, for want of a better way of putting it, not caring on my part as to whether that person merited my gift.
Don't get me wrong; I do believe it both prudent and healthy to establish guidelines and boundaries - there is a difference between helping and enabling, although I'm beginning to see that the line isn't as clear cut as I thought.
As far as I can tell, "M" responded to a level of kindness that I've withheld in the past when I've encountered people who've exhibited behavior that I'd categorize as chronic high maintenance. As I ponder it, it seems like my compassion is somewhat conditional, and this attitude carries over to how I've responded by feeling annoyed the last few weeks as I'd grown accustomed to having a lot of people waiting to help carry stuff from my car to the picnic tables to having to carry stuff myself and having only 1-2 people help while everyone else stood passively in line waiting for food.
Every act of kindness Jesus performed was prompted by compassion - a compassion I seem to be lacking when encountering people like "M". The reality is that I close myself off to a lot of people based on expectations I've developed over the years. I guess it's time to examine this.
Wednesday, June 10, 2015
Avoiding the Vicious Circle. ,
All types of people show up on Tuesday nights. For a while I had a regular crew waiting for me by the spot where I normally park, and they pretty much unloaded the car for me and carry everything over to the picnic tables. Lately, most of those folks have not been showing up, and it's been largely a group of new faces who pretty much just stand there in line and wait for us (well, me mainly) to set up. As I examined my attitude about this I had to come to grips with the idea that maybe I do still have some attitudes and expectations I still need to examine.
Most of the folks that show up are polite and express gratitude, and that's nice to experience. But we also get some folks whose behavior can affect my attitude and my expectations. One such person is "M", who has recently returned after about 18 months or so. Without fail, when this person receives a plate of food, they will ask for more of something, and usually beyond their share, and hold up the line in the process. A while back we made the decision to try and serve healthier food and that included replacing beverages with water. "M" prevailed on a kind hearted person in our group to buy carbonated beverages, and the next week when that person had done so, "M" response was: "what? no juice?".
This week, it started out much the same; "M" asked for more tomato/fruit in their salad. And when we got around to dessert, which was watermelon. "M" got more than their share. But since I didn't have to ration it, I just gave "M" bigger slices each time they came back.
As we were cleaning up and packing stuff up to take back to the car, "M" asked if they could help carry stuff to my car. I hate to say it, but I had something in my own heart revealed in that I had more or less categorized "M" a certain way and that led to my having lower expectations in a way that affected my attitude.
But it's not just "M"; I do this a lot more often than I should. And this holds me back - and people often live up to the expectations we project onto them especially if they show up up in our actions and attitude. And thus starts a vicious circle. Facing up to this needs to be done, but I'm not looking forward to it.
Most of the folks that show up are polite and express gratitude, and that's nice to experience. But we also get some folks whose behavior can affect my attitude and my expectations. One such person is "M", who has recently returned after about 18 months or so. Without fail, when this person receives a plate of food, they will ask for more of something, and usually beyond their share, and hold up the line in the process. A while back we made the decision to try and serve healthier food and that included replacing beverages with water. "M" prevailed on a kind hearted person in our group to buy carbonated beverages, and the next week when that person had done so, "M" response was: "what? no juice?".
This week, it started out much the same; "M" asked for more tomato/fruit in their salad. And when we got around to dessert, which was watermelon. "M" got more than their share. But since I didn't have to ration it, I just gave "M" bigger slices each time they came back.
As we were cleaning up and packing stuff up to take back to the car, "M" asked if they could help carry stuff to my car. I hate to say it, but I had something in my own heart revealed in that I had more or less categorized "M" a certain way and that led to my having lower expectations in a way that affected my attitude.
But it's not just "M"; I do this a lot more often than I should. And this holds me back - and people often live up to the expectations we project onto them especially if they show up up in our actions and attitude. And thus starts a vicious circle. Facing up to this needs to be done, but I'm not looking forward to it.
Wednesday, April 1, 2015
Movin' on
Saturday night I went over to the West Side and ended up smoking cigars with a few friends on the boardwalk in Santa Monica when a homeless guy approached us asking for money. I told him I didn't have any to spare but I could offer him a cigar. He said he wanted money but shouldn't turn down a cigar. He then proceeded to question me about what I did for a living. In retrospect, he was trying to figure out why I wouldn't give him a dollar. We finished up and decided to go elsewhere, and after we walked maybe 10 yards the homeless guy started cussing me out because it was clear we weren't going to give him anything else. I decided to just keep walking, and after we walked about another half block someone else in the group (who knows what happened to me) commented on karma. A couple of people in our group didn't know what my friend Reinhold was referring to so I told them about what happened to me.
It didn't even occur to me until earlier today (3 days later) to be outraged about it. I mean. I've been feeding the homeless once a week for a number of years despite have suffered a near fatal attack doing so two years ago. But I think it *should* be that way; I do what I do because I enjoy it. Most significantly, it did not occur to me to claim that, for want of a better way of putting it, that I'd already done enough to earn my philanthropy merit badge which I wear on the side on my neck,
I guess the bottom line is that I feel like this is proof that I've reached a level of closure that allows me to move on.
It didn't even occur to me until earlier today (3 days later) to be outraged about it. I mean. I've been feeding the homeless once a week for a number of years despite have suffered a near fatal attack doing so two years ago. But I think it *should* be that way; I do what I do because I enjoy it. Most significantly, it did not occur to me to claim that, for want of a better way of putting it, that I'd already done enough to earn my philanthropy merit badge which I wear on the side on my neck,
I guess the bottom line is that I feel like this is proof that I've reached a level of closure that allows me to move on.
Thursday, March 19, 2015
Lemons, Canned Peas, Pumpkin Pancake Mix, Applesauce & Cheers
Some people like to quote the phrase: "when life gives you lemons, make lemonade."
In my case, we got a food bank donation which included 40+ cans of peas, 30+ cans of applesauce & 30+ boxes of pumpkin pancake mix.
Canned peas; I can't think of anyone who cheerfully eats a single can of canned peas, much less 40+ cans. So I did the only thing I could think of - I made split pea soup. 20 cans went into this week's dinner resulting in about 8-9 quarts of soup that was pretty well received. 2 boxes of mix 2 cans of applesauce, 2 eggs 2 diced apples another can of water & a handful of raisins went into a 13" x 9" baking pan mixed to moisten everything and in the oven at 350 degrees for about 30 minutes produced a relatively moist & tasty pumpkin apple raisin cake.
Corn chowder, anyone?
=======================
for whatever reason, i've never developed the habit calling people by name. it might have been influenced by a TV character on family ties nick (who actually got his own spinoff that didn't get past the pilot) whose trademark line was a taciturn greeting: 'hey." which i notice is how i typically start emails & facebook messages. this is in contrast to the 90's TV show Cheers about a bar where everybody knows your name - and they all greeted you by name.
finally i have a friend who: when he's greeted by someone whose name or voice he doesn't recognize (and he knows he should), he typically responds: 'hey you". and the reality is that i typically don't do a good job of remembering people's names.
We were getting to the bottom of the soup pot giving out seconds and thirds (they *did* really like the soup) when a stranger came up asking if we had anything left. He had a bowl of soup and was starting on seconds when two more people showed up. Upon hearing that there was only one bowl of soup left, he offered the rest of his seconds which was accepted and he struck up a conversation. He commented more than once that i seemed really happy to be there (the fact that i was and that it was readily discernible probably deserves its own blog) and just seemed to be really grateful that we were there at the park. Out of all this, the moment that sticks in my mind most vividly, was as he was leaving and i said" "good night leonard", he actually stopped, turned around and said "thanks for saying my name."
is it too late to teach an old dog new tricks, like learning to greet someone by name?
In my case, we got a food bank donation which included 40+ cans of peas, 30+ cans of applesauce & 30+ boxes of pumpkin pancake mix.
Canned peas; I can't think of anyone who cheerfully eats a single can of canned peas, much less 40+ cans. So I did the only thing I could think of - I made split pea soup. 20 cans went into this week's dinner resulting in about 8-9 quarts of soup that was pretty well received. 2 boxes of mix 2 cans of applesauce, 2 eggs 2 diced apples another can of water & a handful of raisins went into a 13" x 9" baking pan mixed to moisten everything and in the oven at 350 degrees for about 30 minutes produced a relatively moist & tasty pumpkin apple raisin cake.
Corn chowder, anyone?
=======================
for whatever reason, i've never developed the habit calling people by name. it might have been influenced by a TV character on family ties nick (who actually got his own spinoff that didn't get past the pilot) whose trademark line was a taciturn greeting: 'hey." which i notice is how i typically start emails & facebook messages. this is in contrast to the 90's TV show Cheers about a bar where everybody knows your name - and they all greeted you by name.
finally i have a friend who: when he's greeted by someone whose name or voice he doesn't recognize (and he knows he should), he typically responds: 'hey you". and the reality is that i typically don't do a good job of remembering people's names.
We were getting to the bottom of the soup pot giving out seconds and thirds (they *did* really like the soup) when a stranger came up asking if we had anything left. He had a bowl of soup and was starting on seconds when two more people showed up. Upon hearing that there was only one bowl of soup left, he offered the rest of his seconds which was accepted and he struck up a conversation. He commented more than once that i seemed really happy to be there (the fact that i was and that it was readily discernible probably deserves its own blog) and just seemed to be really grateful that we were there at the park. Out of all this, the moment that sticks in my mind most vividly, was as he was leaving and i said" "good night leonard", he actually stopped, turned around and said "thanks for saying my name."
is it too late to teach an old dog new tricks, like learning to greet someone by name?
Wednesday, March 4, 2015
Happy Anniversary
i was going to wait to post tomorrow (today) but since i'm still awake, i might as well get this out since i could get distracted and not get to this. it's the two year anniversary of my getting stabbed and it just seems like i need to observe/commemorate the moment.
i'm different/changed (and i think for the better) although it's clear to me that i'm still more closed off than i should be because i'm still thinking i need to protect myself - even though it's been new acquaintances and strangers who've proven to be the most helpful in my efforts towards moving forward. i still need to figure out what it is i'm gripping so tightly that's holding both down and back.
i'm different/changed (and i think for the better) although it's clear to me that i'm still more closed off than i should be because i'm still thinking i need to protect myself - even though it's been new acquaintances and strangers who've proven to be the most helpful in my efforts towards moving forward. i still need to figure out what it is i'm gripping so tightly that's holding both down and back.
Saturday, February 21, 2015
Leon, The B side
Even though what happened in regards to Leon last week was IMO a very positive thing, I've had nagging thoughts about the evening. The thoughts finally synthesized into the realization that once this guy left the immediate vicinity, my main thoughts were to be glad that he was no longer an immediate threat to anyone having dinner - including myself.
Fortunately, Nathan continued to observe this person as he walked away and when Nathan saw this person accost a single female pedestrian, Nathan moved quickly to intervene on her behalf and sent the guy on his way.
My first thought was that I should have maintained my vigilance. But almost immediately after I was glad that Nathan acted as quickly as he did and that the woman came to no physical harm, This might be the 2nd best thing to happen; not so long ago I might have stay fixated on falling short driven by my own sense of shame. not to mention how my lack of vigilance led to how I got attacked.
It's a fine line I'm still learning to walk. I do think it would have been a better thing to have remained vigilant - but not if it's driven as a backlash of what happened to me. And despite the wealth of mental faculty with which I've been blessed, I can't cover everything.
So I'm going to choose to think mainly about how it's a good thing that Nathan is part of the group/
Fortunately, Nathan continued to observe this person as he walked away and when Nathan saw this person accost a single female pedestrian, Nathan moved quickly to intervene on her behalf and sent the guy on his way.
My first thought was that I should have maintained my vigilance. But almost immediately after I was glad that Nathan acted as quickly as he did and that the woman came to no physical harm, This might be the 2nd best thing to happen; not so long ago I might have stay fixated on falling short driven by my own sense of shame. not to mention how my lack of vigilance led to how I got attacked.
It's a fine line I'm still learning to walk. I do think it would have been a better thing to have remained vigilant - but not if it's driven as a backlash of what happened to me. And despite the wealth of mental faculty with which I've been blessed, I can't cover everything.
So I'm going to choose to think mainly about how it's a good thing that Nathan is part of the group/
Tuesday, February 17, 2015
Leon Chapter II
I've blogged about Leon a while back. Since then, his attendance has been sporadic. He was back last week. He hadn't bathed in a while and just about everyone tried to stay upwind of him. I had to hold my breath when he came back for seconds.
Leon was already at the park tonight when I pulled up (late); his two carts with stuff hanging over the edges were on the sidewalk next to the spot where I normally park on tuesday nights.
Third week of the month, usually about 40 people, we'd just finished serving (down to a last serving of beans) when a person. apparently under the influence of something and appropriately disorderly) came over to our tables and demanded to be fed, the thing is, I'm used to everyone kinda knowing my story and them being pretty courteous and helpful in carrying stuff from my car, no sort of bad behavior you might otherwise expect. so i was caught off guard. Apparently disgruntled by the fact that all we were had left were beans, he walked around confronting some of the other people still eating, during which time, someone else who hadn't eaten yet came up and claimed the last serving of beans. Discovering that even beans were no available only served to irritate this person even further, so he sat down at the table across from me and began to harass me verbally. One of the people stepped and challenged him not to be so disrespectful, which only served to inflame him further. He then demanded proof and began looking through our stuff - the salad bowl, rice cooker, crock pot, etc. When he grabbed the handle to the lid of the cast iron dutch oven i'd used to make the pulled pork, it occurred to me what a great weapon that would make, so I reached out and grabbed his arm with both hands and said calimly: "you need to let go of this, right now." and we stared at each other for what was probably a couple of seconds but seemed a lot longer.
Leon, who was now standing over by his carts on the sidewalk, called out to the guy that he had a light if he needed one. The guy let go of the cast iron lid and walked over to Leon. The guy vented a little more steam. and eventually wandered off. (Actually, the guy then accosted an unaccompanied female walking in the park. Fortunately Nathan saw what was going on and ran over to intercede. Once the rest of us understood what was happening, we followed to back up Nathan. But Nathan was able to send the guy on his way on his own. Kudos!)
Everyone else was ready to bail, but Nathan & I elected to stay and have our devotion time as usual. While preparing for that, we talked a little bit about the guy, and I commented that the only moment where i'd been concerned was when he'd grabbed that cast iron dutch oven lid - had he become violent with a weapon like that, someone could have gotten hurt. Leon at that point mentioned that that was the moment he'd gotten scared.
This blew me away. Despite his own fear, Leon's response in that moment was to draw his fire, so to speak; he tried to defuse the situation by taking the attention off me and onto himself. And this is someone, where under normal circumstances, most of us would go out of our way just to avoid being downwind of him. So I made a point of letting him know that I respected what he did, especially when he was afraid. His response was typically Leon: "i'm used to being beaten up, you know. especially with my childhood".
Sometimes you just find nobility in the unlikeliest of places.
(I should also note that some people who normally leave after dinner stayed on during our devotion time. They didn't participate, but in retrospect it occurs to me that they were choosing to stay to make sure that we'd be OK when we did choose to leave; one of them saw me start packing the car right after dinner and asked if i was leaving, to which i responded, "no, but if we have to leave quickly, now we can." the guy laughed and said that's pretty funny.)
Leon was already at the park tonight when I pulled up (late); his two carts with stuff hanging over the edges were on the sidewalk next to the spot where I normally park on tuesday nights.
Third week of the month, usually about 40 people, we'd just finished serving (down to a last serving of beans) when a person. apparently under the influence of something and appropriately disorderly) came over to our tables and demanded to be fed, the thing is, I'm used to everyone kinda knowing my story and them being pretty courteous and helpful in carrying stuff from my car, no sort of bad behavior you might otherwise expect. so i was caught off guard. Apparently disgruntled by the fact that all we were had left were beans, he walked around confronting some of the other people still eating, during which time, someone else who hadn't eaten yet came up and claimed the last serving of beans. Discovering that even beans were no available only served to irritate this person even further, so he sat down at the table across from me and began to harass me verbally. One of the people stepped and challenged him not to be so disrespectful, which only served to inflame him further. He then demanded proof and began looking through our stuff - the salad bowl, rice cooker, crock pot, etc. When he grabbed the handle to the lid of the cast iron dutch oven i'd used to make the pulled pork, it occurred to me what a great weapon that would make, so I reached out and grabbed his arm with both hands and said calimly: "you need to let go of this, right now." and we stared at each other for what was probably a couple of seconds but seemed a lot longer.
Leon, who was now standing over by his carts on the sidewalk, called out to the guy that he had a light if he needed one. The guy let go of the cast iron lid and walked over to Leon. The guy vented a little more steam. and eventually wandered off. (Actually, the guy then accosted an unaccompanied female walking in the park. Fortunately Nathan saw what was going on and ran over to intercede. Once the rest of us understood what was happening, we followed to back up Nathan. But Nathan was able to send the guy on his way on his own. Kudos!)
Everyone else was ready to bail, but Nathan & I elected to stay and have our devotion time as usual. While preparing for that, we talked a little bit about the guy, and I commented that the only moment where i'd been concerned was when he'd grabbed that cast iron dutch oven lid - had he become violent with a weapon like that, someone could have gotten hurt. Leon at that point mentioned that that was the moment he'd gotten scared.
This blew me away. Despite his own fear, Leon's response in that moment was to draw his fire, so to speak; he tried to defuse the situation by taking the attention off me and onto himself. And this is someone, where under normal circumstances, most of us would go out of our way just to avoid being downwind of him. So I made a point of letting him know that I respected what he did, especially when he was afraid. His response was typically Leon: "i'm used to being beaten up, you know. especially with my childhood".
Sometimes you just find nobility in the unlikeliest of places.
(I should also note that some people who normally leave after dinner stayed on during our devotion time. They didn't participate, but in retrospect it occurs to me that they were choosing to stay to make sure that we'd be OK when we did choose to leave; one of them saw me start packing the car right after dinner and asked if i was leaving, to which i responded, "no, but if we have to leave quickly, now we can." the guy laughed and said that's pretty funny.)
Thursday, January 22, 2015
Misunderstandings & Mom Redux.
i just used up half of my allotted cell hours earlier this evening on a phone call with my mother. most conversations typically end with me being jacked up emotionally one way or another but right now i'm not sure what i'm feeling.
the short version of my history with my mother:
- it's always felt like it's always been more about her than me. that she perceive herself to be a good mother regardless the actual impact on me;
- i've seldom received any sort of response from her that gave me any assurance that anything i've ever said has been comprehended. i thought we'd gotten past that to a large degree based on an event i've blogged about previously, but it seems that my mother's mind is slipping a bit with age, so when you add that to the language barrier and my natural inclination to try to be really precise in my choice of words when the subject matter is especially meaningful to me, plus the natural cultural conditioning to take things personally, things really haven't improved all that much;
- i've been conditioned to believe that it's been inappropriate to voice any sort of needs that could be seen as an imposition not just on her, but of others as well. this comes primarily from one moment in my childhood which i may elucidate further, but i'm still in the middle of deprogramming my thinking right now, but in some ways it ties in to everything else;
when it comes to dealing with people who make it about themselves, i've come to learn that the healthiest thing to do is to effect boundaries around them so as to limit their influence on you, in this case yet without disobeying the biblical command to honor one's parents. i've been really challenged in this because it's extremely unnatural for me to try to listen to someone who apparently doesn't hear anything i say.
maybe i made a breakthrough tonight; after i don't know how many attempts to paraphrase things, it occurred to me to express it as follows: "this is what i understand: when i say something, and then you say something that has nothing to do with what i said, the only thing i understand from that is that you weren't listening to what i was saying, especially when the answer was in what i just said. and that makes me really angry." i don't know for sure if my mom understood exactly what i was saying, but there was a release in being able to say what i was feeling.
as i think about it now, it occurs to me how much i've suppressed in deference to my mother's shortcomings and sense of inadequacy about that. oh, i suppose i might as well go and talk about the bedtime story.
having watched shows such as dennis the menace & leave it to beaver, my world view was that it was normal & american (though i didn't think of it quite that way at the time - the american part, that is) to be read a bedtime story. so when i was 7 or 8 years old. i asked my mom to read my a bedtime story.
my mother's schooling had ended when she was 9 when her father (the village schoolteacher) died. that and 3 months of ESL was all the schooling she'd received, and she was very aware of her lack of education and was worried about her ability to read a story for me. but i persisted, and some 45 minutes later, she'd managed to stumble through the three little pigs. she was in tears, as was i. all i could remember was that i'd wanted something that came at such a cost to my mother even though she'd done the best that she could and so i projected all that shame onto myself and became extremely self sufficient. (plus i believed that i was somehow wrong and twisted for wanting something that would come at such cost - more on that later) not only was she under-equipped to be the kind of mother a precocious kid like me needed, i chose to try to minimize reminding her of that in any way. not that i was actually that good at it. all that suppressed anger oozed out of my pores 24/7 when i was younger.
at first i thought i had responded mainly by making few physical demands, but i now see that i'd allowed myself to be held hostage by her sense of inadequacy and her conditioning to take everything personally to not express my feelings about things for fear of her taking it the wrong way and making her feel bad about herself. but tonight i felt like i expressed my frustrations in a healthy way that did not project guilt or shame and i wasn't concerned about primarily about her taking what i said in the wrong way.
my mom didn't say much to that so i continued by saying that i was trying to be as open and honest about my feelings as i could, and that i didn't know what else to say.
if this was as cathartic as i suspect it might have been, i'd expect my snark level to be noticeably lower for a while. the problem is that i feel drained, and i have so much stuff to get done.
the short version of my history with my mother:
- it's always felt like it's always been more about her than me. that she perceive herself to be a good mother regardless the actual impact on me;
- i've seldom received any sort of response from her that gave me any assurance that anything i've ever said has been comprehended. i thought we'd gotten past that to a large degree based on an event i've blogged about previously, but it seems that my mother's mind is slipping a bit with age, so when you add that to the language barrier and my natural inclination to try to be really precise in my choice of words when the subject matter is especially meaningful to me, plus the natural cultural conditioning to take things personally, things really haven't improved all that much;
- i've been conditioned to believe that it's been inappropriate to voice any sort of needs that could be seen as an imposition not just on her, but of others as well. this comes primarily from one moment in my childhood which i may elucidate further, but i'm still in the middle of deprogramming my thinking right now, but in some ways it ties in to everything else;
when it comes to dealing with people who make it about themselves, i've come to learn that the healthiest thing to do is to effect boundaries around them so as to limit their influence on you, in this case yet without disobeying the biblical command to honor one's parents. i've been really challenged in this because it's extremely unnatural for me to try to listen to someone who apparently doesn't hear anything i say.
maybe i made a breakthrough tonight; after i don't know how many attempts to paraphrase things, it occurred to me to express it as follows: "this is what i understand: when i say something, and then you say something that has nothing to do with what i said, the only thing i understand from that is that you weren't listening to what i was saying, especially when the answer was in what i just said. and that makes me really angry." i don't know for sure if my mom understood exactly what i was saying, but there was a release in being able to say what i was feeling.
as i think about it now, it occurs to me how much i've suppressed in deference to my mother's shortcomings and sense of inadequacy about that. oh, i suppose i might as well go and talk about the bedtime story.
having watched shows such as dennis the menace & leave it to beaver, my world view was that it was normal & american (though i didn't think of it quite that way at the time - the american part, that is) to be read a bedtime story. so when i was 7 or 8 years old. i asked my mom to read my a bedtime story.
my mother's schooling had ended when she was 9 when her father (the village schoolteacher) died. that and 3 months of ESL was all the schooling she'd received, and she was very aware of her lack of education and was worried about her ability to read a story for me. but i persisted, and some 45 minutes later, she'd managed to stumble through the three little pigs. she was in tears, as was i. all i could remember was that i'd wanted something that came at such a cost to my mother even though she'd done the best that she could and so i projected all that shame onto myself and became extremely self sufficient. (plus i believed that i was somehow wrong and twisted for wanting something that would come at such cost - more on that later) not only was she under-equipped to be the kind of mother a precocious kid like me needed, i chose to try to minimize reminding her of that in any way. not that i was actually that good at it. all that suppressed anger oozed out of my pores 24/7 when i was younger.
at first i thought i had responded mainly by making few physical demands, but i now see that i'd allowed myself to be held hostage by her sense of inadequacy and her conditioning to take everything personally to not express my feelings about things for fear of her taking it the wrong way and making her feel bad about herself. but tonight i felt like i expressed my frustrations in a healthy way that did not project guilt or shame and i wasn't concerned about primarily about her taking what i said in the wrong way.
my mom didn't say much to that so i continued by saying that i was trying to be as open and honest about my feelings as i could, and that i didn't know what else to say.
if this was as cathartic as i suspect it might have been, i'd expect my snark level to be noticeably lower for a while. the problem is that i feel drained, and i have so much stuff to get done.
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