I'm in week 3 of recovering from near death. Coming back from the dead in only 3 days really is kinda impressive in that context.
I've been re-watching episodes of the cable series Breaking Bad. I'm in the middle of season 3 with an episode with a scene where people are waiting in a hospital while a family member is in surgery after having been shot several times. To lessen the tension, one family member begins to recount how he had survived surgery for cancer at this same hospital and describes his thoughts and feelings leading up to his surgery. He admits to being terrified at the moment they put him under because of the possibility that he would never awaken. That's prompted me to look back.
Honestly, it happened all so quickly: the attack, getting to the ER, into trauma and into the OR. I was so fixated on trying to remain calm that it never even occurred to me that I wouldn't awake; I've been under general anesthesia before with two previous surgeries, and I was still completely conscious and coherent right up until they put me under that I was pretty sure that I hadn't suffered significant blood loss. (Afterwards, I was told I'd lost about 1/2 liter during the actual surgery.) That's only a class I hemorrhage, though they were pumping IV's into me for 36 hours until I awoke. I was urinating an average of 600 ml every couple of hours after that. I was asked about blood transfusions before they put me under. I didn't understand the significance of the question; they don't tell you that getting someone else's blood apparently has some adverse effects going forward. As it turns out, I did not receive any blood transfusions.
Honestly, it happened all so quickly: the attack, getting to the ER, into trauma and into the OR. I was so fixated on trying to remain calm that it never even occurred to me that I wouldn't awake; I've been under general anesthesia before with two previous surgeries, and I was still completely conscious and coherent right up until they put me under that I was pretty sure that I hadn't suffered significant blood loss. (Afterwards, I was told I'd lost about 1/2 liter during the actual surgery.) That's only a class I hemorrhage, though they were pumping IV's into me for 36 hours until I awoke. I was urinating an average of 600 ml every couple of hours after that. I was asked about blood transfusions before they put me under. I didn't understand the significance of the question; they don't tell you that getting someone else's blood apparently has some adverse effects going forward. As it turns out, I did not receive any blood transfusions.
I don't think I've touched on this before, but I have chosen not to personalize any of this. Because of that, "why?" has never been a question that's required an answer for me. Moreover, it's been easy for me to access the absurdity that's been in a lot of the situations involving all of this and see the humor in it. People must think I'm in serious denial or something, but I'm more or less indifferent about the idea of confronting my attacker, or even meeting her face to face. I have the chance to do so next Thursday at her first court appearance.
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