#EUTM

is an acronym for a phrase coined by the new football coach at my alma mater (university of michigan), a guy named jim harbaugh. the phrase is Enthusiasm Unknown To Mankind, used to describe how we should attack that day's tasks and goals. PUIGA - procrastination until it goes away is more my speed.  i'm going to segue away from this for a bit, but it does all tie together, though the web is still tenuous in my mind, as i type this.

during the press conference announcing his hire, JH said something that floats through my mind at various times throughout the day: "...you don't compare great to great, because something gets diminished...". we are diminished both by the act of comparison as well as by the result. and the more i dwell on this, the more truth i mine out of this nugget. a lot of the baggage we carry comes out of making comparisons. in fact, i suspect that this is a fundamental component of shame - which i'll define now as a sense of inferiority that comes from falling short in a comparison to an inappropriate standard - which is not the same as an impossible standard, as scripture says that all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of god.

maybe this is my version of einstein's unified field theory - i see glimpses of it all tying together but verbalizing it coherently escapes me at the moment.

we have been redeemed, and ideally, are continually in a process of being transformed more & more into the image of christ. but what does that really mean? it's somewhere in there that i suspect we all get hung up somehow. it seems to me that we glorify god in our uniqueness, but that distinction has been lost. for me, i carry the experience that my uniqueness and perspectives i've developed along the way (healthy or otherwise) separates me from most. my expectation is that i have to endure the consequences of my own provincialism yet be the one who has to make the sacrifices to accommodate the provincialism of others, and that's left me angry and jaded. and yet i still impose expectations of my own - based on my own interpretation of how things should be.

this also seems to tie into another major component of the unified field theory - what we learn to believe about god is related to knowing god for who he really is. in the story of jesus and the rich man, the first thing jesus does in that exchange is clarify something about god himself. and we struggle with the duality of god's goodness and god's holiness. in an ideal world, we as children get to see that personified in two loving but different parents - the mother who loves unconditionally and the father who loves but also disciplines to establish right and wrong. this hypothesis is supported by empirical evidence that people tend to view god the way they view the parent of the opposite sex. and this is clearly true in my own relationship with god.

more on this.

Expectations

I'm still thinking about last week. It's not fully synthesized in my mind.

Apparently all it took was an extra large slice of watermelon to prompt a desire to be helpful instead of looking to put one's own wants and needs first. That and, for want of a better way of putting it, not caring on my part as to whether that person merited my gift.

Don't get me wrong;  I do believe it both prudent and healthy to establish guidelines and boundaries - there is a difference between helping and enabling, although I'm beginning to see that the line isn't as clear cut as I thought.

As far as I can tell, "M" responded to a level of kindness that I've withheld in the past when I've encountered people who've exhibited behavior that I'd categorize as chronic high maintenance. As I ponder it, it seems like my compassion is somewhat conditional, and this attitude carries over to how I've responded  by feeling annoyed the last few weeks as I'd grown accustomed to having a lot of people waiting to help carry stuff from my car to the picnic tables to having to carry stuff myself and having only 1-2 people help while everyone else stood passively in line waiting for food.

Every act of kindness Jesus performed was prompted by compassion - a compassion I seem to be lacking when encountering people like "M". The reality is that I close myself off to a lot of people based on expectations I've developed over the years. I guess it's time to examine this.

Avoiding the Vicious Circle. ,

All types of people show up on Tuesday nights. For a while I had a regular crew waiting for me by the spot where I normally park, and they pretty much unloaded the car for me and carry everything over to the picnic tables. Lately, most of those folks have not been showing up, and it's been largely a group of new faces who pretty much just stand there in line and wait for us (well, me mainly) to set up. As I examined my attitude about this I had to come to grips with the idea that maybe I do still have some attitudes and expectations I still need to examine.

Most of the folks that show up are polite and express gratitude, and that's nice to experience. But we also get some folks whose behavior can affect my attitude and my expectations. One such person is "M", who has recently returned after about 18 months or so. Without fail, when this person receives a plate of food, they will ask for more of something, and usually beyond their share, and hold up the line in the process. A while back we made the decision to try and serve healthier food and that included replacing beverages with water. "M" prevailed on a kind hearted person in our group to buy carbonated beverages, and the next week when that person had done so, "M" response was: "what? no juice?".

This week, it started out much the same; "M" asked for more tomato/fruit in their salad. And when we got around to dessert, which was watermelon. "M" got more than their share. But since I didn't have to ration it, I just gave "M" bigger slices each time they came back.

As we were cleaning up and packing stuff up to take back to the car, "M" asked if they could help carry stuff to my car. I hate to say it, but I had something in my own heart revealed in that I had more or less categorized "M" a certain way and that led to my having lower expectations in a way that affected my attitude.

But it's not just "M"; I do this a lot more often than I should. And this holds me back - and people often live up to the expectations we project onto them especially if they show up up in our actions and attitude. And thus starts a vicious circle. Facing up to this needs to be done, but I'm not looking forward to it.