Gustavo Turned Eleven

 at the beginning of this month. Eleven is not any sort of milestone number, so I gave some thought to posting but the reality is that epiphanies don't occur on schedule. I've not seen my attacker since the trial, and truth be told, I expect her to remain incarcerated/committed to a mental hospital for the rest of her natural life. The district attorney who prosecuted my case told me that her release was unlikely because of the potential liability if she were to attack someone else after being released. But the bigger reason is what I know of the process based on the experience of a best friend who happens to be a psychiatrist. The reality is that most patients in that situation do not receive therapy and are just medicated. They are often diagnosed based on how they respond to medication. So I am sad knowing how mental health is typically treated and knowing that my attacker will be trapped inside the universe of facts in her own mind.

When it comes to dealing with loss/trauma/grief my mentor shared with me what *his* mentor typically tells others who are dealing with grief: "I pray that God will give you an answer that you can accept.". This is of course based on an understanding of the five stages of grief:  denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance, with acceptance being what's required to be able to move forward. As I sought my  'answer', I examined what I knew of her life and behavior, and being able to perceive that my attacker was herself a victim of trauma suffered at the hands of a male authority figure who represented themselves as a man of faith, what it meant to be insane because her 'universe' of facts was dominated by her trauma (read Chesterton's Orthodoxy specifically the chapter titled The Maniac, I've blogged on this in another post)) and her behavior had been the result of displaced anger. As such, I'll plagiarize Tolkien quoting Frodo Baggins as he orders the release of Saruman unharmed even after Saruman has tried to kill him by stabbing him:  

"(s)He is fallen, and his (her) cure is beyond us; but I would still spare him(her), in the hope that (s)he may find it.’

What I didn't realize at the time was that this led to my being able to forgive myself and come to grips with a lot of pain I've dealt with in life and identifying/dismantling coping mechanisms I'd developed as a response. I've come a long way in eleven years, still have a ways to go I imagine.