Part II What are we supposed to believe?

Obviously, in some sort of power greater than and outside of ourselves. But even there, our belief is affected by the size of our universe of facts. Chesterton explores this in ch. 3 "the suicide of thought', illustrated by the  misguided use of the phrase "having his heart in the right place", which is typically used to describe someone who we believe has good intentions even though the results of their actions turns out poorly. We choose to categorize their motives as good, but in reality, they aren't. The irony is that damage is done not due to vice, but to the pursuit of a virtue. It is the isolation of this virtue from other virtues that result in perversion of truth and in evil. two of the most obvious virtues are love and truthfulness; the result is that truth seekers are generally pitiless, while humanitarians are driven primarily by pity, but their pity is often untruthful. but chesterton suggests that it is another virtue perverted which had led to even greater evil: humility. Chesterton asserts that it is the perversion of humility that prompt man to assert himself, that is to say, seek his own pleasures, while doubting truth.

that prompted me to research the concept of hedonism, which led me to john piper and his doctrine of christian hedonism, a controversial terminology to be sure, but one that makes much more sense now in the light of chesterton's assertions: instead of the "chief end of man" being "to glorify god and enjoy him forever", piper asserts that it would more correct to say "to glorify god by enjoying him forever", drawing on jonathan edwards, among others, but that's not to say that our happiness is the greatest good, but that god is most glorifed in our indvidual lives when we are satisfied in him.

And I think I've found my first real destination in my journey. let's see if i can articulate it:

for the last ten years or so, in my pursuit of "happiness" i've been somewhat hedonist, coming up on the plus side of  pleasure vs. pain, not necessarily by seeking pleasure, but by minimizing my pain. but that's been self-defeating because playing it safe has also minimzed my potential to experience great pleasure, because pleasure comes in large part from being surprised.and surprise comes from learning something new - that happens to be true. and how can we be more delighted than by learning something new about god - or being reminded of something we've forgotten? but pursuing truth comes both with potential risk as well as actual pain if truth is somehow contradicted by painful memories, memories we'd rather suppress than re-experience the pain we felt when we were younger - and for the most part, a lot weaker.